Today I met with a mental health provider regarding my anxieties over my ICU battle with Covid-19 and it potential lingering effects on my recovery. For some reason, my anxieties have been impeding my recovery.
When in the hospital ICU, I found structure important to cope with isolation and confusion of the virus. For me this meant doing things a certain way and according to the certain time schedule. This added some certainty to a situation filled with uncertainty. It gave me back some control I felt I had lost. Now, at least for some minor things I could control the outcomes. I went to bed, got up, and took my meds at a certain time. I opted to clothe myself with sheets instead of the traditional hospital gown. Any changes to that structure, whether precipitated by my medical care or changes in my physical condition created more anxiety. I also instructed all my caregivers, particularly my ICU nurses at the time shift changes, this is the way it had to be. For the most part they accommodated my requests. Bedtime created the most anxiety in ICU, and still does. In ICU, I looked a bedtime initially as a way to make the time go faster, but with it also came loss of control. If my vitals crashed, I could end up on a ventilator, and/or not wake up.
As I shared my anxieties with the mental health provider, I learned he was also 20 year Air Force veteran who specialized in combat stress control and served in Afghanistan embedded in a US Army combatant unit. As we also explored my combat deployment, he asked me if I ever had similar anxieties while deployed. I told him no. He asked why. I responded because of my situational awareness and training. Even given the dynamic nature of the landscape, I still had some level of control. Because of intelligence reports and my intuition/training I felt I was able to manage the risks to my soldiers and myself as we convoyed throughout southern Iraq.
He then related his concerns and anxieties about convoying in Afghanistan. His anxieties disappeared when he wrote letter home about them and his fears of dying, but not death. I am not sure if this is clear, but death is the end result; dying the process.
He referred to his letter as a means of radical acceptance. It was about accepting his life on life’s terms and not resisting what he could not change. Radical acceptance is saying yes to life, just as it is. It is hard to accept what we don’t want to be true; but more difficult to not accept. Not accepting reality and pain can bring more suffering and anxiety.
Throughout my COVID ICU experience and following up on my discharge diagnosis, I have thought and openly expressed to family; “Why me,” “This isn’t fair,” “This can’t be true,” and “It not supposed to be this way.” My refusing to accept the my new reality, won’t keep it from being true. I suspect many recovering Covid patients and their families now coping with similar realities.
As my mental health provider stressed; acceptance doesn’t mean agreement.
I have found it physically and mentally exhausting to fight my new COVID reality. But, accepting this new reality is also hard, because it has caused pain, changed my once perfect picture of reality, and my ability to control it. No one wants pain in their lives. But, the reality is we all have pain in our lives. Refusing to acknowledge it and my new reality, is adding to my anxieties and increasing the pain for me and my family.
So how do you manage the pain and anxiety; by practicing acceptance. I guess this blog has now become my way of acknowledging acceptance of the possible outcomes. My acceptance doesn’t however mean complacency. I will continue to seek medical to include mental care to unravel the uncertainty of the virus on my physical and psychological well-being
Our lives are marked by enjoyable and not so enjoyable experiences. Contemporary human psychology contends that when we attempt to avoid feelings of sadness and pain, we also diminish our ability to feel joy. Avoidance of emotions contributes increased depression and anxiety. It also can lead to destructive behaviors that will providing temporary relief may only make the situation worse in the long run. Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement, but instead self-pity I now say, “I’m in this situation. I don’t approve of it. I don’t think it’s OK, but it is what it is, and I can’t change that it happened.”
It also means finding joy, and rejoicing in the little gains for what they are. I am alive, and in the arms of a family the loves me. The air never smelled so sweet or food tasted so good!
Life is good!